New Quote! Mother + Clean Underwear = Love

"Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love
just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together." ~Pearl S. Buck

So today, well to be honest, everyday, I think a lot about this subject; mothers. A very sensitive, and slightly confusing, subject for me.

You see, we all start out the same. We have a mother and a father. Some may also have a step-parent or two, but still, it all starts with a mom and a dad. I'm adopted, and that basically means that my biological parents (birth parents) conceived me, I then lost my birth parents through adoption, but gained a whole new mom and dad, my adoptive parents.

And then, almost 1 year ago, I actually found my birth mother. Against all odds, I might say, because it was not one of the easist things I've done in my life. Emotionally or physically. The emotions were incredible. First when I decided seriously to SEARCH. Then as bits and pieces of the puzzle started to form.

Like when I found out that my birth mother had given me a name after my birth! I will never forget the feelings I had when I found out that name. I got an email from my (first) PI while I was at work, and she had found out my birth name. I remember crying, tears of total happiness, because for the first time in my life, I felt I had an identity. I was still me, really, and I have always had an identity, but knowing that I was loved enough to have been given a name just seemed to give my life meaning. This was the first time since I began my search that I allowed myself the possibility of knowing that I was not "a terrible mistake", as I had always feared I was.

The next phase of my search was waiting, waiting for my Non-ID. (Non-Identifying Information. Non-ID is basically just information about birth parents, or adoptive parents, depending on who requests the info. The contents are varying, depending on laws from state to state, but also information available.) My Non-ID didn't seem to offer me many clues to help me on my search, at first, but did contribute to my now growing piece of mind. It stated that my birth parents had been dating for a year before my conception, and also that my birth mother had stayed with me my first 3 days of life, and that she enjoyed her time with me.

Fast Forward 6 months...I'm still searching, but now on my own after being had by the PI I first hired. (My case was not easily solved, so she gave up, without as much as an email or telephone call to inform me) I was mostly searching the internet, hoping to find something. But something found me! A new PI saw my posts, and offered me a free consultation. (Yeah, uh-oh was the first thing on my mind too!)

We spoke, and he thought we had a good chance of finding my birth family. I felt like this was my last resort, and after encouragement from my husband to go for it, I paid $2000 and hired him. He would go to Missouri and look up college yearbooks for men with my (birth) last name, and who were getting degrees in mining. (My Non-ID gave me my maternal birth grandfathers age and occupation, mining engineer, and it also stated that my birth mother was born in Missouri. That's why the smartest place to start was Missouri.) I didn't really have much hope at this point, but figured I would give up after this last try.

3 days later, my new PI had a match. We weren't positive, not even close, but this guy was a good candidate. My PI gave me a crash course in calling possible birth relatives, what to say, not to say, etc., and then it was up to me. I called him, thinking the whole time that this would not turn out to be my maternal grandfather, but it turned out to be him! And the rest is history...

I called my birth mother a few days later, and after finding out she was happy to hear from me, our relationship took off. We didn't talk much, I don't think either of us are very good with phone calls, but we exchanged emails regularly, getting to know one another and also to fill in the gap of happenings of the past 35 years! After a few weeks, I knew I wanted to meet her, and my whole new family, in person, and bought a ticket to Colorado for our first meeting. (Well, that I can remember at least!) I didn't really know exactly what I was feeling, or even what was really happening, but I knew it was important for my identity as a person, a daughter, a mother, a wife, a friend. It was about peeling back a very important layer of ME.

This is when my world came crshing down on me. My Mom, adoptive mom, passed away. It wasn't completely out of the blue, but at the same time, it was not expected either. I actually felt the world falling down from under me, I felt the earth disappear from under my feet. I didn't know how to be able to stand up anymore, and I again felt a loss of identity. "Am I an orphan again?" was a very common question running through my mind during this time. I had lost my mother, but I had just gained a new mother, but she still couldn't replace my old mother, as good as it was it just wasn't the same.

And that is where I want to go with this story... to mothers. I am lucky enough to have had two mothers in my life; one who raised me and loved me and probably did the best she could and knew how, and the other who gave me life and also loved me enough to want more for me than she could give me at the time, and gave me up for adoption FOR MY SAKE. That cannot be an easy decision to make, I know that for a fact.

So struggling with this new relationship with a different mother makes me think a lot. A whole lot. And she actually nailed an explanation in an email to me about our new found relationship just a few days ago. She wrote that we aren't really like mother-daughter, that we are more like very good friends. Because we don't have all that baggage mother-daughters usually have!!! And she's right! Because we never fought about eating vegetables, cleaning my room, friends, boyfriends, cars, money, etc., we have no arguments, no nothing! Just a clean slate, pure and simple. We get to have a completely different relationship than we would have had if she kept me, and even though I love her and miss her everyday, I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. I turned out pretty good, even if there were many bumps (OK, tons of bumps) in the road, and I would not have my wonderful family otherwise!

That said...a mother will always be a mother! My evidence?? During my first visit with my birth family, I stayed in my birth mom's house. My birth grandfather wanted me to stay at his place one night, so I packed a bag and was ready to go. My birth mother then asks me, "Did you pack clean underwear and a toothbrush?". OK, I just had to laugh...this is a question coming from someone I have only known a couple of months, and just met in person for the very first time! She IS my mother... no matter what the law says, no matter what the adoption papers say, no matter what my birth certificate says, and no matter what we say ourselves...Ours is a bond that was made long before my birth, and bonds like this are not easily broken. Thank God there is enough room in our hearts to make room for all the people we love, no matter what we choose to call them and which category they wind up falling into. And thank God I have someone in my life, still reminding me to bring clean undies and my toothbrush to a sleepover...